Blame It On The Pain Episode 39
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???? Blame It On The Pain THIRTY NINE:
(Jackson)
βGoodbye, Jackson.β
With those words, she slams the door and takes off. Her necklace tossed on the ground.
I know I fked up. I know I shouldnβt have let her do what she did. Even if it was the best one Iβd ever received.
I wanted to wait awhile before we did anything, I didnβt want to rush things and sΒ’rew it all up. But when she uttered those wordsβ¦about being with another guyβ¦I saw red.
And in all honesty, I thought she was into it after I called her on her bullsht. That look in her eye was gone, and her manipulation was replaced by lu$t. In some fked up way, I thought it was a good thing.
Clearly, I was wrong.
But I still donβt regret going after that piece of sht tonight.
She was taking too long in the bathroom and I thought something happened.
Something happened all rightβ¦that sht stain was standing right in front of her. How he ended up there in the first place is anyoneβs guess.
I recognized his tattoo immediately. I was hoping I was mistaken, but deep down I knew it was him. I went into that place inside my head and I blacked out. I barely even remember any of it.
I thought I was in the cageβ¦defending Lilly.
It wasnβt until my fist h it the floor and I heard Ricardoβs voice that I was brought back to reality.
Then I saw the look on Alyssaβs face. She was petrified.
And why wouldnβt she be? She just saw her boyfriend for all of two seconds on the verge of ki lling another person.
And trust me, if Ricardo wasnβt thereβ¦I would have ki lled him.
For all I know, I might have.
She didnβt utter a word the whole walk home. She just kept her head down and her arms crossed over her chest, shielding herself. I knew we had to talk about it. I knew I had to come clean about watching the video. I knew she would put two and two together and she deserved answers.
I wanted to give her those answers. But when I came out of the bathroomβ¦something happened.
I didnβt understand itβ¦but she became someone else. All I knew was that it was because of me.
I tried to talk to her, but she kept telling me she didnβt want to talk. Then, she kept throwing herself at meβ¦and kept taking the control away from me. I knew I had to let her have it, within reasonβ¦but when I saw it going down a bad road my suspicions were confirmed.
I knew exactly what she was doing.
And the fact that she was doing it with me? Even though I made it clear to her time and time again that I didnβt want to be used by herβ¦.well, I couldnβt let it go down like that.
And I sure as hβll wasnβt going to let her go running off to fk some other dude. That would only make things worseβ¦not to mention, it would ki ll me.
So, I did the next best thingβ¦I let her have what she was asking for.
Only, I was going to see to it that she wouldnβt be punishing herself. That this would be different. It felt like I was fighting against something that was even stronger than meβ¦but I saw the moment the real Alyssa peeked through.
I let her take the control from meβ¦let myself get lost in her, which is something I never, ever do. Not that I really had much of a choice in the matter because the things she did to me?
Well, fk.
P orn st..ars could learn a thing or several from her.
Then she looked up at me and gave me a smile that chilled me to the bone. My favorite dimple was nowhere in sight.
I told her the truth about watching the videoβ¦I didnβt lie. But she never let me explain myself because she took off.
Worst of all? She didnβt let me tell her how brave and strong I thought she was for making it through something like that. She didnβt let me tell her that I was falling for her. I knew I was a goner the second my lips touched hers in that club.
I want to chase after her, but I know she needs time to cool off. I know that when I push her too far, she doesnβt come bouncing back harder and stronger like I wish she would.
We might be similar in some ways, but unlike me, my girlβs not a fighterβ¦sheβs a runner. And even though I hate thatβ¦Iβll accept it because itβs who she is and I want all of her.
I hear a knock on the door and I canβt get there fast enough.
Iβm disappointed when itβs Ricardo staring back at me. Not that Iβm not thankful for his help.
Although, I still donβt know why he was there in the first place.
I open the door, gesture for him to come inside and cut to the chase. βWhy were you there?β
He looks at me hard and I know Iβm not going to like what heβs going to say. βNo offense, but your girl was dressed to ki ll tonight. Even I couldnβt ignore how hot she looked. That being said, I already told you I was concerned about what would happen on the outside. I was going to tell you not to go. I didnβt have a good feeling about it.β He shrugs. βBut then she mentioned that it was her birthday and I saw how excited she was. It doesnβt take a genius to figure out that she must not get out much because of the video. My bad feelings were confirmed, though after you beat the mayorβs son to a bIoody pulp. β
DeLuca was not going to be happy about this. Not one bit.
Ricardo must notice my expression because he says, βDonβt worry, I took care of everything.β
βHow?β
βI had a few of DeLucaβs men waiting on deck, just in case something happened. Plus, I was in the wings myself. I wish I got to you sooner, but I didnβt see you go into the bathroom. I thought you left because I saw you both head out for the exit. I stayed back chatting it up with some hot redhead. Then I heard the commotion.β
He runs a hand through his hair. βYou fked him up bad, Jackson. Heβs got some serious damage. On the bright side, he was so zonked out of his mind he doesnβt remember sht before or after. He had no idea he was talking to Alyssa in the bathroom or that he got into a fi ght.β
He smirks. βI had Freddie wreck his car and stage it like he got into an accident because he was too stoned. I also issued him a warning. Not only did I tell him that you were in DeLucaβs circle and ran with him. I mentioned that if his memory about tonight were to ever come back, he and his car would be found at the bottom of the Atlantic.β
Part of me wishes that the ba$tard does end up remembering now. Itβs what he deserves.
βThanks. I owe you.β I pause. βBut what about DeLucaβs men? What if they say something to him?β
I want to tell him that what Iβm really worried about is someone mentioning Alyssa being there with me. But, as much as weβre friendsβI canβt.
Iβm in a bind because I donβt want to reveal Alyssaβs past. Partly because itβs not my place and partly because I really donβt know how strong Ricardoβs loyalty is to DeLuca. For all I know, he could spill the beans to DeLuca himself.
He jerks a shoulder up. βThey wonβt. They owe me a few favors. But, if DeLuca finds out, Iβll handle it. I donβt really see him flipping out over some stupid bar fight, anyway. Heβs got much bigger sht to worry about. Itβs not like you ended up in jail or on the news.β
His words should comfort me but they do the exact opposite. My memory kicks in and I remember that people had their phones out recording the fight.
βSht. What about the cell phones? It was the mayorβs son. You know someone will be more than willing to sell the footage to tmz or post it online.β
βTook care of that too,β he says.
I vaguely remember him breaking a few cell phones. βWhat if you missed one? Then what?β
He considers this for a moment. βThen we take care of it.β
He looks around. βSo where is Alyssa?β
I briefly tell him how I fked up. I leave out the part about her giving me a bjβ¦but not about me watching the video.
βFking Lou-Lou,β he growls. βShe doesnβt know when enough is enough. Always causing problems.β
I donβt miss the intensity in his eyes when he says that.
βYeah, but it was still me who watched it. I have no idea how the hβll to fix this.β
βMaybe itβs best to just leave it alone and let it perish. Some things are better that way.β
Something tells me that itβs not me and Alyssa heβs talking about when he utters that statement.
I shake my head. βNo. Sheβs special. I canβt let it end like this.β
He stands up. βThen do what you do best.β When I give him a weird look he says, βFi ght for her, dummy.β
Heβs right.
Iβve already tried texting her multiple times, though. I told her how sorry I was and explained what really happened with the tape.
I also told her that my feelings for her never changed after watching it. Nor have they changed after tonightβ¦after I saw the other side of her. I told her that if she was willing, we would get through it together because I wasnβt giving up on her or us.
Then I told her that I was falling for her.
She still hasnβt responded.
I scan the living room and notice that in her rush to leave, she left her purse here.
Maybe thatβs why she never responded to any of my texts.
I pick it up and can feel her phone vibrating through the material.
Thatβs when I realize what an id!ot I am. I shouldnβt be telling Alyssa those things via text. I should be saying them to her in person. Fighting for her like Ricardo said.
I turn around and face him. βI need another favor.β
βWhatβs up?β
βCan I borrow your car?β
BLAME IT ON THE PAIN : EPISODE 31 β 40
After promising Ricardo over and over again that I wouldnβt crash his prized Mustang. He handed over the keys.
I got Alyssaβs address off her license and plugged it into the gps on my phone. The drive wasnβt as bad as I thought it would be.
Her neighborhood is quiet and the houses that line the streets are all large and upscale.
The lawns are green and the streetlights are all in working order. Thereβs no sign of drug dealers or garbage littering the sidewalks.
Itβs the perfect suburb life. So different from the environment I grew up in.
I decide to park right behind her car in the driveway. I notice another car parked there as wellβ¦but from the looks of things, her house is so big, maybe she has a tenant or two living there.
Her driveway is long and her house sits on top of a large hill, meaning Iβve got a little bit of a walk ahead of me. Dozens of large oak trees line the property. After a solid three minutes of walking, I see a glimmer of light up ahead and I know I must be close.
The light from the porch becomes brighter and after another minute, Iβm standing right in front of her house.
Then I see her.
But sheβs not alone.
I see the back of some other guy, one whoβs wearing a gray suit.
I canβt hear what heβs saying, but I watch as he gets down on his knees in front of her and grabs her h ips.
His hands are all over her, touching her everywhereβ¦then he leans in and lifts up her dr ess.
Since her pβnties are still on the floor in the living room of my apartment, sheβs fully exposed.
Iβm less than a second away from charging full speed ahead and pummeling the id!ot.
Then I hear her shout something that takes the breath from my lungs. βI love you, Ford.β
I quickly turn away and run back down the hill.
Iβm running down the hill as fast as I can, so I donβt go back and do something stupidβ¦like beat the ever living sht out of an FBI agent.
An FBI agent she specifically told me wasnβt in her life anymore.
He sure as fk looked to be very much in her lifeβ¦especially while he was positioning himself to go down on her.
I donβt even know what to think at this point. The only thing I feel is betrayed, hurt, and lied to.
And I knowβ¦I lied to her, too.
But unlike her lie, my lie was to protect her from harm.
Iβve done nothing but try and be there for this girlβ¦I didnβt use her, intentionally hurt her, or betray her.
The question isβ¦why the fk did Alyssa feel the need to do all of those things to me?
I know sheβs got her de monsβ¦I saw them up close and personal tonight. I also know that she thought the world of her dadβs old partner. I guess I know why now.
My chest tightens when I think about what she said. She loves him.
I made the mistake of falling for a girl who could never be mine because she already belongs to someone else.
My bIood boils at the thought.
But if she loves himβ¦why did she lead me on?
No, no.
She wouldnβt do that. It would be stupid and dangerous to do that.
I force myself to breathe. I have to remind myself that if Alyssa was in fact, attempting some undercover shtβ¦then she wouldnβt have told me about what DeLuca did to her dad.
Unless she made it up?
No. I saw the agony in her eyes that night when she confided in me. I felt it. Thereβs no way that was false.
At least, that makes one thing she told me true.
Tyrone tried to warn me about her in the beginning. Hβll, even Lou-Lou warned me about her. I just refused to listen. I didnβt want to believe it.
I thought I saw something inside of her that called to meβ¦connected us. Something I wanted to take care of. Something I would have cherished until my dying breath.
I pull the car door open and grab her purse from the passenger seat of the Mustang.
Iβm sure as sht not going back up that hill, but I also donβt want to have any of her stuff near me. I donβt need to be reminded of what a deceitful bch she is because Iβm certain Iβll never forget.
And because Iβm feeling extra spiteful at the moment, I snatch the necklace I got her. I put them both on the hood of her car. Now, I have absolutely no reason to ever see her again.
Although, if she ever showed up at my place; Iβm sure I could have Lou-Lou play along and answer the door for me. I could make Alyssa think I was fking her. I could hurt her the way Iβm hurting now, but Iβd rather just be done with her for good.
I briefly consider keying her precious BMW, but quite frankly, I donβt have the energy to go all Carrie Underwood on her as s. I still have over an hour drive ahead of me.
Besides, Iβm sure Mr. Special Agent, Daddy Warbucks would just offer to buy her a brand new car. Maybe heβs the one who bought her the one she has now.
I almost let myself love her. I was right thereβ¦on the cliffβ¦already fallingβ¦about to land.
I just never knew I was headed for a crash landing.
TO BE CONTINUED